Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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