the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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