every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
