i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
