i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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