the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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