What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize