Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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