Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
