Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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