I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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