I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize