How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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