Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
