My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Randomize
