Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize