this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
