So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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