Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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