What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
