Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
