just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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