Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
