i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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