please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
