im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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