well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize