Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
