my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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