is your mom at the bar?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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