I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize