Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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