I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
