I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
