Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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