i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When did we convert life to cartoon?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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