turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
