i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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