I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
