Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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