i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
