If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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