I need to stop coming to work sober
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
