Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
