"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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