you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
