I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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