i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
