Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
