God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
