I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
