So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
