I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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