I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
