Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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