I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
