You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
