Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
