Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
literally had 100 drinks last night.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
